I know a lot of friends who have got pregnant via IVF or naturally and miscarried, as well as I. It is always a bit awkward afterwards. I mean, what do you say to someone? How do you respond to a miscarriage? As someone who has been on both sides of the fence….
“Sorry to hear that” (?)
“Are you okay?” (obviously they aren’t)
“Can I do anything?” Well, not really, unless you can get me knocked up again and guarantee me a baby – well, that’s what ran through my head!
“…….. ” Nothing – Some of my friends just disappeared; they didn’t know what to say.
Needless to say, it is a horrible time for the person who has miscarried and also for your friend (depending on how close they are to you), because what do you do? If you have a friend, sister, cousin, or family member who has miscarried and is wondering what to say or do, here are some examples of how you can respond to a miscarriage….
Find What They Love
The day I found out I was no longer pregnant was not great. There were tears in the ultrasound room and a very unsympathetic ultrasound woman who actually said something like “Oh, are you upset?” I had previously arranged to meet a friend for a beach walk about 2 hours later, and I texted her to tell her the situation before we met. She turned up at the beach walk with chocolate, wine, and lots of hugs! I love the beach. I love wine and chocolate, so for me, this made me feel really loved. She hugged me and listened when I told her about the scan, let me cry, and was just there. We then went for a walk, got our feet wet, drank wine, and ate chocolate. Afterwards, she suggested I go back to her house for dinner with her and her husband. I couldn’t drive after 3 months of no alcohol. One glass of wine went right to my head, so she drove me to hers, and her husband drove me home after. For me, it meant a lot to know that people cared about me and loved me because I am single, and I have no partner to lean on.
Keep In Touch
Even if you don’t usually chat with your friend/sister/cousin daily, just calling each day shows that you care. It doesn’t have to be a deep and meaningful conversation each time, and to be honest, I didn’t really want it to be. For me, my youngest brother (who had had a baby three months earlier) called me every day from the first pregnancy test result just to check in. It was usually a 5-10 minute call to say hello and find out what I’d been up to that day. For me, it meant a lot that someone was thinking about me and cared enough to make the effort every day to call.
Be There
When Ashlee Gadd miscarried, her friend sent her this text, which she shared on Instagram. Ashlee ended up receiving a 9-pack of toilet rolls and a box of chips delivered to her doorstep courtesy of her friend. A great example of how you can be there, show that you are thinking of them and also give practical help. Without your friend having to think, they can just choose an option! Especially great if your friend does not want to actually talk to anyone. It gets very tiring going through the whole miscarriage situation when sometimes you just want to climb under the covers and think about nothing.
Getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) can be hard for some women, myself included. The hope, the excitement, the time, the emotion, and the money that all go into having a baby make the disappointment when it doesn’t happen even harder. Yes, of course, I knew it wasn’t 100% definite that doing IVF would mean a baby, but of course, you want it; otherwise, why would you do it? Personally, I have great friends and family who supported me and helped me through the whole journey, but not everyone has that. Being there, whether it is with wine, chocolate, loo roll, or a chat, is something that anyone can do for someone else in a difficult period. Don’t underestimate how much it helps the other person to know that they are loved.
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