Life after Failed IVF: 3 Years on It Still Hurts

It is nearly three years since I did my embryo transfers via IVF in Spain and I thought that by now it wouldn’t hurt as much.

Recently I went to lunch with a new female friend and she was saying that she never planned for children, but she has a 15 year old. She had read about my journey on here and was suddenly aware that maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say to someone who had tried really hard to have children but it hadn’t happened.

I was surprised because I have told my story so many times, probably 100s now, and when I tell it now it doesn’t hurt, but just that comment took me back. Back to when I was undergoing IVF to the emotional time of hoping and waiting. I thought that I was ok to talk about things now without feeling upset, but just that one conversation left me feeling sad.

I don’t blame my new friend, it is so hard to get it right with people, you never really know what is going on inside their head, what their day has been like, or what else has happened to them recently. How could she know it would make me feel sad? I didn’t even know myself.

life after failed ivf - just keep on going

I wanted to share this with you, because I think in society we often expect to just move on quickly (or slowly) but either way move forward and unfortunately life doesn’t work like that.

One thing I have learnt through this journey is that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to have a cry, an off day. Cheesy as it sounds it is ok to not be ok. The only person expecting you to be upbeat and sparkly all the time is you.

I had another incident just last week when I went to a cancer drug ward in a hospital as part of a work event learning about the NHS. My Mum died of ovarian cancer and I did a lot of hospital trips with her, a lot of hanging about while she had chemo. Even though it was 9 years ago, it all came flooding back to me, I ended up having to take myself out of the room in tears.

The reaction from people around me was not one of nastiness or dismissal, but of checking that I was ok. Being vulnerable is not being weak, or being any less of ourselves, it is just being you (or me).

These two recent experiences have made me realise that it is important to be me, be kind to myself and to make sure that I hang out with people who get me and understand. Life can be hard at times, and it doesn’t need to be made harder by having people be nasty to you at that time. Surround yourself with people who care and get you.

To anyone who is going through a hard time at the moment, do reach out on whatsapp +44 77490 702825 I don’t know you, but I do know that sometimes you just need someone there no judging you and being kind.

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